Jokes
&
Riddles
Take My Son
A wealthy man and his son loved to
collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from
Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of
art.
When the
He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier.
The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son. About a month
later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood
at the door with a large
package in his hands. He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the
soldier for whom your son gave his life.
He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet
struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and
your love for art."
The young man held out this package. "I know this isn't much. I'm not
really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have
this."
The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the
young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality
of his son in the painting.
The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He
thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. "Oh, no sir,
I could never repay what
your son did for me. It's a gift."
The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time
visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he
showed them any of the other great
works he had collected.
The man died a few months later.
There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people
gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an
opportunity to purchase one for their collection.
On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel.
"We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for
this picture?"
There was silence.
Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, "We want to see the famous
paintings. Skip this one."
But
the auctioneer persisted. "Will someone bid for this, painting? Who will
start the bidding? $100, $200?"
Another voice shouted angrily. "We didn't come to see this painting. We
came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on
with the real bids!"
But still the auctioneer continued. "The son! The
son!
Who'll take the son?"
Finally,
a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of
the man and his son. "I'll give $10 for the painting." Being a poor
man, it was all he could afford.
"We have $10, who will bid $20?"
"Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters."
"$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?"
The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son. They
wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.
The auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!"
A man sitting on the second row shouted, "Now let's get on with the
collection!"
The auctioneer laid down his gavel. "I'm sorry, the auction is over."
"What about the paintings?"
"I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told there
was a secret stipulation. And not to say anything of that
stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be
auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate,
including the paintings. The man who took the son gets everything!"
God gave
His son 2,000 years ago to die on a cruel cross.
Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: "The son, the son, who'll
take the son?" Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything
Subject: Why me God?
And please remember.....You are Loved!!!
Sally jumped up as soon as she saw the
Surgeon come out of the operating room.
She said: "How is my little boy? Is
he going to be O.K.? When can I see
him?"
The Surgeon said, "I'm sorry, we
did all we could."
Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer, doesn't GOD care
anymore? GOD, where were you when my son
needed you?"
The Surgeon said, "One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes to let
you spend time with your son's remains before it's transported to the
university".
Sally asked that the nurse to stay with
her while she said Good-bye to her son. Sally ran her fingers through his thick
red curly hair.
The nurse said, "Would you like a lock of his hair?"
Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of his hair and put it
in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.
Sally said, "It was Jimmy's idea to
give his body to the university for study. He said it
might help somebody else," and that is what he wanted.
I said, No at first, but Jimmy said, "Mom I won't be using it after I die,
maybe it will help some other little boy to be able to spend one more day with
his mother".
Sally said, "My Jimmy had a heart
of Gold, always thinking of someone else and always wanting to help others if
he could".
Sally walked out of the Children's Hospital for the last time now after
spending most of the last 6 months there.
She sat the bag with Jimmy's things in it on the seat beside of her
in the car.
The drive home was hard and it was even harder to go into an empty house.
She took the bag to Jimmy's room and started placing the model cars and things
back in his room exactly where he always kept them. She laid
down across his bed and cried herself to sleep holding his pillow.
Sally woke up about
Dear Mom:
I know your going to miss me, but don't think that I will never forget you or
stop loving you because I'm not around to say I LOVE YOU. I'll think of you
every day Mom and I'll love you even more each day. Someday we will see each other again. If you
want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, he can have my room and
my old stuff to play with. If you decide to get a girl instead, she probably
wouldn't like the same things as us boys do, so you will have to buy her dolls
and stuff girls like.
Don't be sad when you think about me, this is really a great place. Grandma and
Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will
take a long time to see everything here. The angels are so friendly,
I love to watch them fly. Jesus doesn't look like any of the pictures I saw of
Him, but I knew it was Him as soon as I saw Him. Jesus took me to see GOD! And
guess what Mom? I got to sit on GOD'S knee and talk to Him like I was somebody
important. I told GOD that I wanted to write you a letter and tell you Good-bye
and everything, but I knew that wasn't allowed. God handed me some paper and
His own personal pen to write you this letter with. I think Gabriel is the name
of the angel that is going to drop this letter off to you.
God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him
about. Where was He when I needed him?
God said,
"The same place He was when Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all
His children.
Oh, by the way Mom, nobody else can see what is written on this paper but you.
To everyone else, it looks like a blank piece of paper. I have to give God His
pen back now, he has some more names to write in the
Book Of Life.
Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for Supper. I'm sure the food will
be great. I almost forgot to let you know - Now I don't hurt anymore, the
cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God
couldn't stand to see me suffer the pain either, so He sent The Angel of Mercy
to get me.
The Angel said I was Special Delivery!
Signed with love from: God & Jesus & Me.
"HILL BILLY BIRTH CONTROL"
After having their 11th child, an
was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband
went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want
to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a
procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the
problem but that it
was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go
home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Hill Billy said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man
in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me. " Trust me, " said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer
can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1"
"2" 3"
"4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the
beer can between his
legs, and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in
A
guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his
wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head
with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket
with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was
the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known
there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV
when she walked up and hit him on the head again, this
time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that
for?"
She replied "Your horse called!"
Be
careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your
vehicle.
>From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break
down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
shopping
while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see
a small group of
people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs
protruding
from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the
embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP
his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet
she
looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was
standing idly by. He was just fine.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
Subject: Taco
My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on
him constantly.
One day we
stopped at Taco Bell for quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with
a full dining room.
While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven
month old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I
realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he
said,
"No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have
any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied. I
just knew that he must have,
because the smell was
getting worse. Sooooo.... I asked one more time,
"Matt, did you have an accident?"
Matt jumped
up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled....
"SEE,
MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!"
While 100
people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and
sat down to eat his food as
if nothing
happened. I was mortified! Some kind elderly people made me feel a
lot better, when they
came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!
Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving,
bent over to my son and said, "Don't worry son, my wife accuses me of the
same
thing all the time...I just never had
the nerve to make the point like you did."
Fast Thinker
A man in the supermarket tries to buy half a head of
lettuce. The very
young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of
lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says
he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy says
to his manager, "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As
he
finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind
him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other
half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here. Where are you from, son?" "
"Well, why did you leave
there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said
the manager. "My wife is from
"Who'd she play for?"